The New New Rules by Bill Maher

Author:Bill Maher [Maher, Bill]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: General, Political, Humor, Form, Essays, American Wit and Humor, Political Science, Satire, United States - Civilization - 21st Century, United States - Politics and Government - 2009, Topic, United States - Social Life and Customs - 21st Century
ISBN: 9780399158414
Google: Hw3470DfAkEC
Amazon: 0399158413
Publisher: Blue Rider Press
Published: 2011-11-13T16:00:00+00:00

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New Rule: Women have to stop having food orgasms. I’ve heard many women ask, “Why don’t they make a Viagra for women?” They do. It’s called an M&M. There’s nothing more humiliating than being in bed with a woman, and she calls out another man’s name, and it’s Willy Wonka.

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MOURNING IN AMERICA

New Rule: All the good news stories have to stop breaking while I’m on vacation. I go away for a mere three weeks to work with my charity, Hot Tubs Without Borders, and Karl Malden dies. But also Michael Jackson, the most famous white lady to die since Princess Diana. And one question gnawed at me the whole time: Why? Why did America lose its collective shit over Michael Jackson? And then, like Michael’s father, Joe, it hit me: Michael Jackson is America. We love him so much because he reflects our nation perfectly: fragile, overindulgent, childish, in debt, on drugs, and over the hill.

Now, let me state, I don’t wish my country was all of these bad things, I just don’t want to be like one of those people Michael Jackson had around him, the ones who just tell you you’re great and that your destructive behavior is totally normal, and they give you whatever you want—you know, doctors. So let’s go down the list and see if I’m crazy or if indeed America is unfortunately all the things that Michael Jackson was.

• Is America fragile? What do you think would happen if there was another terrorist attack here? We’d repeal the rest of the Bill of Rights, forget about health care, elect Toby Keith president—and fire me. Are we fragile? The stock ticker in Times Square yesterday said, “What the fuck are you looking at?”

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